Guantanamo Comedy Night
Written by coryjarvis on December 31, 2012 – 7:35 am -This is the last post for the 2012 house cleaning. Is there more? Yes. But you get the point. In 2012 I wrote some shit.
If you notice on my front page there is a sample of a magazine cover. It was a labor of love that never saw the light of day for many reasons – lack of cash, busy with spots, moved on to other projects. This was going to be a section that highlights international comedians – an excerpt from audio smuggled out of Guantanamo Comedy Night.
Comedic Spotlight
GeekZpeak was given exclusive front row seats at Guantanamo comedy
night where we watched America’s most beloved jihadist throw some jokes
and blow the place up with laughter. Here are the transcripts:
Announcer
Heathens and non-believers, those of a lower sex and
gentlemen, straight from Guantanamo, it’s Rhani the Talabani Guy!
(Howling and whooping.)
Rhani the Talibani Guy
Thank you folks, thank you. I just flew in from Afghanistan on a covert CIA jet and boy are my internal organs bleeding.
(Laughter and applause.)
Rhani
They didn’t serve food (said coyly with rising intonation) but they did serve plenty of water! Seriously folks, how about that water boarding, or as Dick Cheney calls it: Viagra!
(Crowd on their feet, cheering.)
Rhani
Water boarding! I tell you, folks, I’ve had more cold water dumped on me than Bill Clinton sitting at Chelsea’s Bride’s Maid’s table.
(Laughter erupts, several keel over.)
Rhani
It’s quite a shock! A team of strong, athletic men unexpectedly douse me with a bucket of ice water. Wanting to know what it felt like, yesterday I was called by the coach of the Detroit Lions.
(Laughter interspersed by a few boos from several Detroit fans.)
Rhani
(Faces the guards) Tell me Godless heathen, are you married?
Guards
Ah, yeah, sure.
Rhani
Oh, man, seriously, my Mother-in-law is so hairy! (He leans forward waiting for a response.)
Audience
HOW HAIRY IS SHE?
Rhani
She is so hairy Donald Trump pays her to sit on his head!
(Howling, and rolling in the aisles.)
Rhani
She has declared jihad on Velcro, my friends.
(Jumping, laughing, waving arms.)
Rhani
She even auditioned for a role as Robin Williams’ scrotum. She didn’t get it! Why? TOO HAIRY!!!
(Not getting the reference, crowd goes silent)
Rhani
(Pulling at his collar.) Whoo! I’m telling you, my friends, if I’d bombed like this before being captured, right now I’d be napping next to 72 women formerly known as virgins!
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Top Ten Pick Up Lines at a Homeland Security Convention
Written by coryjarvis on December 31, 2012 – 6:56 am -Top Ten Pick Up Lines at a Homeland Security Convention
By Cory Jarvis
10. You remind me of Osama Bin Laden, because I’ve been looking for you my whole life.
9. So do you assess threats here often?
8. Quick, I need your phone to call 911 because I’m seeing something, and I have to say something.
7. Your concrete reinforced bunker or mine?
6. Your name must be Katrina because you’re blowing me away.
5. Easy with that dress, you just elevated my threat level.
4. I need to inspect your bed for Al Qaeda sleeper cells.
3. I hope you’re not suffering radiation sickness cause for the last 30 minutes I’ve been scanning your body.
2. Sir, step out of line. I’m going to need to check that suspiciously large package.
1. Girl, you must be a natural disaster because you’re making me a mess.
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5 Reasons For Beast-Hood
Written by coryjarvis on December 31, 2012 – 5:47 am -Pieces of this started out as a stand-up bit, but after the re-realease of “Beauty and the Beast” faded from memory I decided to put it to paper and be done with it.
5 REASONS FOR BEAST-HOOD: Why Beast from Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” shouldn’t change back.
Reason 1: YOU’RE LIVING THE DREAM
Why would you want to change back? You’re the next step in evolution – all the brains of a human, and the savage strength of a beast. You’re like Rambo with fur. Worst case scenario, you don’t get the girl, you can still join the X-Men.
Reason 2: YOU DON’T NEED A PRINCESS
I get it, you’re a beast and it gets lonely. But go to any bar and you’ll see you’re not the only hairy monster looking for love. Tale as old as time indeed: Beautiful woman, drinking with beast of a man who promises, for a kiss, to make her a princess. Little does he know ten years later, she becomes a witch, and the judge awards her his castle.
Reason 3: BEING A PRINCE ISN’T ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE
As a beast you’re at the top of the food chain. Princes get their heads chopped off by angry peasants. Peasants get their heads chewed off by angry beasts. A prince never knows if a woman loves him for him, but when a woman gets with you, you know she loves her some beast.
Reason 4: BEASTS CAN GET LOVIN TOO
If you are worried that sticking with the beastly look is going to hurt your chances with the ladies, think again. First off you’re rich. That automatically erases most of your worst flaws. Money is like Photoshop for ugly people. Besides you’re a celebrity, so looks don’t matter. If Dog the Bounty Hunter and Rosie O’Donnell can get a girl, so can you.
Reason 5: DEEP DOWN YOU DON’T REALLY WANT TO CHANGE BACK
You and I both know you could have changed back a long time ago. When you think of all the things the evil sorceress could have turned you into, a beast is pretty low on the getting-a-kiss-from-a-woman difficulty scale. If I were her and wanted to make your life miserable, I would have cast a different spell. “Prince, you’ve done me wrong! Try to get a woman’s kiss now.” (Lightening shoots from my hands). Shazam, you’re Elton John’s penis.
In Conclusion
Remember, history hasn’t been kind to princes (unless they’ve learned to play guitar). Stay the beast, my friend.
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Evil Audience
Written by coryjarvis on December 30, 2012 – 6:31 pm -I wrote this radio sketch at the time when the Republican primaries were in the middle of their drawn out, candidate-destroying-before-the-democrats-have-to debate sessions. Audiences were booing gay soldiers, and laughing at and clapping for some other inappropriate stuff. In other words, they were being Republicans.
I like it, but looking back I think it would have been pretty hard to produce.
GOP A-Listers by Cory Jarvis
(Background noise of a red carpet event can be heard)
Reporter Lisa Fox
Hi, folks. Lisa Fox with channel 9 news, and I’m here at the republican debates. Now there’s been a lot of talk in the “liberal media” about negativity at these events, but all you’ll find in this audience are enthusiastic voters, and quite a few celebrities. Let’s go talk to some of them.
(Background noise changes abruptly as new clip is introduced)
Reporter Lisa Fox
Excuse me. Mr. Hutt, Mr. Hutt! I was hoping you could tell us which candidate you’re supporting and why?
Jabba the Hutt
Ohhhhh (evil laugh), Oshuda, Ichi cow wookie, Jaba nobotha, bago wan shi ho ka.
Jabba’s Interpreter
The all mighty Jabba the Hutt says that he supports Rick Perry because his simple mind renders him immune to Obama’s Jedi Mind-tricks. (Noise – evil Jabba laugh and shoulder-pet wicked laugh).
(Background noise changes abruptly as new clip is introduced)
Reporter Lisa Fox
And who do you support, Doctor Octavius?
Doctor Octopus
I’m voting for Herman Cain because he gave me my nickname. Not that he came up with Dr. Octopus, that’s just what he was called by all his female employees.
(Background noise changes abruptly as new clip is introduced)
Joker
(Evil chuckle) Michelle Bachmann of course. (Rising intonation) We both hate welfare, we’re against illegal immigrants, and she’s gonna help me stop batman. (Almost a whisper) And besides me, she’s the only sane person around here (Loud maniacal laugh).
(Background noise changes abruptly as new clip is introduced)
Reporter Lisa Fox
Excuse me, Lord Vader. Darth Vader.
Dick Cheney
Huh?
Reporter Lisa Fox
Oh, sorry, Mr. Cheney. I thought you were someone else. Are you here to a support a particular candidate?
Dick Cheney
No actually, I’m just here to pass out my Vice-President resume.
(Background noise changes abruptly as new clip is introduced)
Reporter Lisa Fox
Well, those are all the (yawns)…interviews we have for you. Thank you for joining…us. I suddenly…feel very tired,…have a good…night (Noise – Microphone drops, and body hits ground).
(Background noise changes- absolute silence)
Reporter Lisa Fox
(Slowly waking up – all sound in the room causes slight echo) Huh, Hello? Helllllooooo? Is someone there? I must have fallen asleep, I’m in a dark room, and I seem to be trapped in some kind of cage.
Billy Jigsaw (Puppet from Saw)
(Noise – TV scrambles on) Hello, Lisa. I want to play a game. You’re in a cage with spikes slowly closing around you. There’s only one key. To get that key all you have to do is tell me where Mitt Romney stands on abortion, health care, and paper or plastic. Let the game begin.
Reporter Lisa Fox
Noooooooo! That’s impossible!
Tags: Comedy, Cory Jarvis, GOP Humor, Republican Primaries, Stand-up comedy, Star Wars, The joker
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Obama Vacations Radio Sketch
Written by coryjarvis on December 30, 2012 – 6:19 pm -More 2012 house cleaning here. It would be uncomedic of me to only bash the GOP so I wrote this one about the Pres for radio. I can’t remember exactly what the “crises” was, republicans were all over Obama for taking vacation when something “big” was happening, so I wrote this for a conservative southern radio station.
Sell out? Maybe. Hungry? No.
“Obama Vacations” by Cory Jarvis
Business Man
(Sigh) Man, I’ve got all this work to do, all I want to do is get away.
Female Obama Vacations Spokesperson
(Magic sound) Hi, did I hear you’re working hard and you’re in the middle of a crucial project.
Business Man
Yeah. Everyone’s counting on me.
Obama Vacations Spokesperson
Is this a bad time to take some time off?
Business Man
Yeah, of course.
Obama Vacations Spokesperson
(Hawaiian music starts) Then it’s time for you to get some R&R with “Obama Vacations.” Our philosophy is simple: We find the least convenient time for you to get away. Don’t believe me, take a look:
-In the delivery room of a hospital, a mother is giving birth, next to her a stressed husband is coaching her to breathe.
Husband
Breathe, honey, breathe. (Phone rings) Hello. Yes, absolutely. (Foot steps hurrying away) (“Pop” sound effect, then baby cries) Sorry, honey, Obama Vacations, gotta go!
-Two men are huddled over a ticking bomb trying to disarm it.
Senior Bomb Disarmer
Hand me the wire cutters quick, not much time left. Wait a minute, speaking of time…(footsteps walking away).
Junior Bomb Disarmer
Sir, wait, you’re the only one that knows which wire to cut…
Senior Bomb Disarmer
(Sound of foot steps running away) Sorry, “Obama Vacations.” I’m outta here.
Junior Bomb Disarmer
Uhhhmmmm. (Wires clipped sound effect, then bomb expolding).
-In the waiting room of a hospital.
Wife
Doctor, I didn’t expect you to be done for another hour. Is my husband okay?
Doctor
Here use this. You’ll have to finish.
Wife
Why are you handing me a scalpel?
Doctor
(Sound of foot steps walking away) Sorry, “Obama Vacations.” I’m outta her.
Wife
(Calling after him) But I don’t know how to perform a vasectomy!
Obama Vacations Spokesperson
“Obama Vacations.” They say no, you can’t. We say yes, you can. Hurry act now and the first five callers get our “Congressional Getaway Vacation Plan.”
Man
Let’s work this out.
Congress Man
No!
Man
Can we make a deal?
Congress Man
No!
Man
The country needs our help.
Congress Man
No! (Ding sound) Ah, congressional vacation time. (Foot steps running away) Glad I don’t have a real job! Woohoo!
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The Wonder Years: Starring the Republican Candidates
Written by coryjarvis on December 30, 2012 – 6:06 pm -Time to clean out the 2012 writing cabinet. This is an un-produced sketch I wrote for radio during the republican primaries.
The Wonder Years: Starring the Republican Candidates
by Cory Jarvis
Announcer (Sentimental)
Everything has a beginning.
Mr. Smith (Teacher)
(Two taps on desk) Welcome to tenth grade history. Time for roll call. Romney?
Mitt Romney
Here.
Announcer
If you really want to know your candidates…
Mr. Smith
Bachman?
Michelle Bachman
Here.
Announcer
You have to go back to where it all started.
Mr. Smith
Perry?
Rick Perry
(Long Farting noise and class laughs)
Music Starts: Wonder Years theme song (Joe Cocker – By with a little help from my friends)
Announcer
The Wonder Years: Staring the republican candidates.
Friend
Hey, Perry, congratulations! Heard you got a lead roll in Wizard of Oz.
Perry
Yeah, it’s pretty bitchen. I’m the scarecrow. Director said he was typecasting, whatever that means.
Announcer
Before there was the Tea Party, there was just a party.
Background Noise: House Party.
Paco
(Mexican accent) Michelle, I can’t go to the prom with you.
Michelle Bachman
But why, Paco? I love you!
Paco
I am not the man you think I am. I am an illegal Mexican immigrant on welfare, and I’m gay. Goodbye. (Nonchalantly) Oh, and Michelle, if you ever meet anyone like me, please don’t hold this against them.
Announcer
It was a time to hone skills.
Chainsaw
(Sound Effect: Person being slammed into a locker)…just admit you said it Romney!
Mitt Romney
Uh, uh, actually, Chainsaw, I don’t recall ever telling the cheerleading squad I could kick your ass. Uh, uh…In fact for years now I’ve been saying how I would like to be your friend.
Announcer
It was a time to find out who they were.
Mr. Smith
Okay, I guess that’s everyone. Open your books to pa…
John Huntsman
Uh, sir, you didn’t call my name.
Mr.Smith
Oh! Sorry, I didn’t even notice you were here. What’s your name?
John Huntsman
I’m John Huntsman.
Sound Effect: Whistle Blows
Ron Paul
But, Coach, it’s my time, not the schools. I should be allowed to decide what activity I’d like to do with it.
Coach
Ron Paul, if you don’t put your toothpicks through them shorts, and get out there and play some football, I’m gonna join those guys waiting to give you another wedgie!
Ron Paul
(Sound: Elastic pulled) Uhhhhh! (Sound: Loud snap) Yaooooooo!
Sound Effect: Tapping on desk.
Mr. Smith
Cain? Cain? Anyone seen Cain?
Student
He’s not here, Mr. Smith. He did something to some girl, she told everyone, and now he’s suspended.
Announcer
The Wonder Years starring the Republican Candidates. It’s going to be a grand ole party.
Tags: 2011 primaries, Comedian, Cory Jarvis, GOP Humor, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Republican, Stand-up comedy
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Top 10 positive Effects of Hurricane Sandy
Written by coryjarvis on October 29, 2012 – 3:24 am -
Tags: Cory Jarvis, Funny, Stand-up comedy, Top 10
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Published in Metropolis Magazine
Written by coryjarvis on February 28, 2012 – 11:25 pm -Click the link below:
http://metropolis.co.jp/features/the-last-word/rage-no-more/
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Published in Reader’s Digest
Written by coryjarvis on September 1, 2011 – 11:29 pm -
Tags: Comedian, Cory Jarvis, Japan, Reader's Digest
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News Chunks
Written by coryjarvis on May 30, 2011 – 9:58 pm -May 2011
Jersey Shore’s Snooki crashed into a police car in Florence, Italy. Luckily she had a date two nights before so she was already wearing a neck brace.
Sony’s Playstation network has gone down again. However, 99 percent of male users report being satisfied with the service, due to the fact that this is the first time anything has ever gone down on them.
Facebook users reported a viral video scam that claims to be footage of Osama bin Laden’s killing. Instead it takes them to a Middle Eastern Viagra site called Oschlonga bin Harden. Yaozaws!
Andy Dick was arrested for being drunk and disorderly in public. In other news the sun rose up again today. Seriously, aren’t we to the point where he should be arrested for being sober and orderly in public?
A professional European soccer team has signed an 18-month-old boy to a 10-year soccer contract. His father said he doesn’t care what his son wants to be when he grows up as long as he’s happy…being a soccer player.
President Obama says he will not be releasing death photos of Osama bin Laden. To satisfy people however, he will release pictures of that dead thing on Donald Trump’s head.
After 10 years of hunting for him, Osama bin Laden has been killed. Federal agents are now scrambling to replace their favorite pick-up line: Girl, your name must be Osama, cause I’ve been looking for you my whole life!
Facebook admitted hiring a PR firm to write bad stories about Google. I’m not saying Facebook is starting to look gangsterish, but I recently got a poke I couldn’t refuse.
Donald Trump has made it official that he will not be running for President. He went on to say, do not be fooled, in the coming months I will not be in the race, even if my hair looks like I’m still running.
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering an illegitimate child. His mistress said she heard all his catch phrases except for one, “I’ll be back.”
Starbucks is being sued by the US government for firing a dwarf. Sources say management hadn’t anticipated how many customers would stop coming because they were reluctant to order a “tall.”
-Starbucks claims the employee lied on her application by writing Happy when she was clearly Dopey.
-They also say she was not fired, but was returned as promised to Santa’s Workshop.
Lady Gaga says she was influenced by Bruce Springsteen. Bruce Springsteen responded by saying she and her videos influenced him to stop drinking.
Two Massachusetts towns are moving to ban the sale of “relaxation brownies” called Lazy Cakes which are laced with melatonin. Yeah, we have to get that melatonin out of there because the people who eat brownies are usually very energetic.
-They’re called Lazy Cakes! If everything were named that accurately I’d head down to the “I’m sad because I’m alone bar,” throw back a bottle of “hope to forget,” and look for “Ms. Daddy didn’t love me.”
After 16 hours of talking on her cell phone in a “quiet car,” police kicked a woman off an Amtrak train. When escorted out she screamed at the other passengers, “You try to hang up on the Vice President!”
These ones are for Grandpa:
Today is Star Wars Day. Most fans celebrate like any other day – they sit behind their computer and play with their light sabers.
A man in Indiana stole $700 worth of teeth whitener. It’s rumored he’s trying to sell it on the illegal plaque market.
Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Donald Trump, Lady Gaga, Lazy Cakes, Obama, Osama bin Laden, Snooki
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