I wrote the following jokes in the voice of Chelsea Lately’s host Chelsea Handler:
Alright Taliban guys, listen up. Before you go and make a bad decision let me give you a woman’s perspective on those 72 virgins you’re doing all this stupid stuff for. Believe it or not, a long, long time ago in a parking lot far, far, away from here, I was once a virgin. I know, I never believe it until I watch the video. (Holding remote, squinting) Really, dude, you’re not even going to take your socks off? We were almost out of recordable tape, but 30 seconds later he showed me that wasn’t a problem.
Now, having been a virgin I’m here to tell you, you don’t want one, let alone 72. Having sex with a virgin is like being a dentist. Open your mouth, this might hurt a little, and stop biting.
So put down your gun and, even though your wife is so hairy she could get a part time job as Donald Trump’s hairpiece, you should learn to love her because convincing ONE woman she doesn’t have a headache is way easier than spending three months convincing 72 that this is special because you really, really love them.
I went to the book store recently and I have to say, please no more books on pets! If I wanted to read about hairy things that sleep all day on the couch and occasionally hump my leg I’d read my ex-boyfriend’s book.
The titles of these books range from lame to what-were-they-thinking.
The book store’s being overrun with them. You have Dewey the Small Town Library Cat, Homer and his Cat Odyssey, and every lonely farmer’s favorite, “Inside the Dog.”
Why don’t we just give it the title it deserves, “The Cat has nine lives, but the unmarried female owner who carries pictures of it currently has zero.
The final straw will be pets becoming famous just because they’re owned by celebrities. In fact it’s already started…
-Text rolls across the screen: “Hendrix Hilton Illegal Sex Tape.” A camera sitting on the floor is turned on and an image of a bedroom bathed in green, grainy light comes into focus. Laying on the floor is a teddy bear on its back. From behind the camera a dog runs to the teddy bear and begins humping it.
Seriously ladies, I don’t need to hear about your dog any more than you need to hear about the male stripper at last night’s party. Your dog, my man stripper, it’s all the same. Starts with lots of pouncing around, women doing heavy petting, and then there’s a mess on my rug.
The Palin Strikes Back
Everyone’s favorite abstinence counselor slash teenage single mother, Bristol Palin, has made it to the finals of Dancing with the Stars.
She’s advancing to the finals despite the judges saying she was less qualified than the other dancers. When she heard, Sarah Palin winked at her husband and said, “She gets that from me.”
A Wisconsin man was so angry with the results that he shot his TV in disgust.
-On the positive side he now has a flat screen TV.
-His wife said it’s nothing new, we lose a TV every time a Target commercial comes on.
Some claim the Tea party cheated for Bristol. Fans of the show say it isn’t fair that mentally unstable people can terminate whoever they choose, to which Tea Party officials said they would never tolerate a mentally unstable person terminating anyone because that leads to future shortages in tea Party membership.
Makers of Four Loko have agreed to stop shipments to New York when the city (in a Godfather voice) made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.
For those of you not in the know, Four Loko is an alcohol infused energy drink. Yes, an alcoholic beverage that gets you drunk but gives you the energy to stay awake so you can make even more bad decisions.
All those times you were drinking, waking up with so many questions. Now you’ll be able to stay awake and finally figure out what happened to your pants.
State liquor authority said that a minor working undercover for the police was illegally sold Four Loko at 11 of 28 stores in the Bronx. So get this straight kids, you’re too young to drink alcohol, but you’re old enough to be an undercover cop.
11 out of 28 stores. The kid would have bought Four Loko in every store but he stopped outside the other 17 to buy crack.
He Who is named too often
The first installment of the final Harry Potter movies has just come out.
The movie, like most of my relationships, is split into two parts:
-First, a cute guy with facial scars casts a spell on me and then there’s a lot of action.
-Second, reality sets in, the spell is broken, and this is where I wish my relationship was more like the movie, in the end the bad guy dies!
The film’s young star Daniel Radcliff said that when he shared a passionate on-screen kiss with his costar Emma Watson, she was like an animal.
Listen, Daniel, that’s not animalistic. Kissing your barely legal costar is just like cleaning your room – it’s messy and you put all kinds of things where they don’t belong.
Now if you want animalistic, kiss your lonely, 40 something Transfiguration Professor Ms. McGonagall.
Let me put it in a way you’ll understand, Daniel. You, my friend, are a level one magician’s assistant, no control over your magic wand – shooting off spells whenever it wants. She is a level forty-five witch known for taming unwieldy wands like yours.
A Budding Cause
A lot of people wonder why Prop. 19, the bill to legalize Marijuana in California, didn’t pass. But of course these same people spend 3 hours wondering what constellation is the closest match to the sprinkles on their pop-tart.
Medicinal growers spent heavily to defeat legalizing marijuana. Why?! For the same reason strip club owners don’t want poles in trailer parks, no one would need their business anymore.
Despite the defeat, the pot industry continues to grow, in fact they now have cannabis bakeries. So now you and your cholesterol can get high. Eat, eat, eat and you’ll get high as a kite, but stay grounded with your new fat ass.
New and more exciting pot products are on their way.
-Hemp Tissues: Go ahead, smoke a big fat green one.
-The Smokable Joke Book written by pot heads: Never have blank pages made more people laugh.
-Trojan Cannabis Condoms: Give your stoner a boner and we guarantee you’ll want more than one hit.
Tags: Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Lately
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