News Chunks
Written by coryjarvis on April 2, 2011 – 5:00 am -Mar. 2011
Retailer Abercrombie and Fitch upset customers by selling push up bras and padded bikinis to girls as young as 7. Even more unnerving is kids have to try them on in the back of a windowless white van.
Did you hear about the BYU player who was kicked off the team for admitting having sex with his girlfriend? This was the first Basketball player ever to be penalized for scoring.
-His girlfriend didn’t understand what the big deal was; he didn’t even last a full quarter.
A fed up Texas teen has started his own political party. He’s immature, has yet to be educated, and has no idea what’s happening in the rest of America…he’ll fit right in!
There are more Subway sandwich restaurants in the world now than there are McDonalds. McDonalds is still number one with kids though, because as one kid who had his party at Subway put it, “Man, this Jared guy sucks!.”
A NASA scientist reports detecting Non-native earth bacteria on a meteorite. If the bacteria proves to be from outer space scientists hope it will lead to the possible origins of Lady Gaga.
-Scientists want to know if the rock is an alien life form, religious leaders want to know if God Sent it, and Charlie Sheen just wants to know if he can smoke it.
82% of US schools may be labeled “failing.” Officials in charge of improving the schools said they would have brought a chart that counters the statistic but their dog ate it.
A study finds that gay parents are more accepted than single moms. Probably because single moms tend to bring home guys that teach kids bad habits, but gay guys tend to bring home men that teach kids to “Chacha.”
A U.S. led research team may have found the lost city of Atlantis in Spain. A previous team used grants to search in Greece, before that Hawaii, and before that they were looking in the Bahamas – basically Atlantis is scientific code for “free vacation.”
Insurance agent Aflac fired comedian Gilbert Gottfried for tweeting Tsunami jokes. Citizens of Japan disagreed with the decision saying Gottfried can make Tsunami jokes because he knows what it’s like to be all washed up.
Today is national napping day, or as your boss who caught you celebrating calls it, your first day of unemployment.
Pop singer Cyndi Lauper refused to abandon her tour in Japan after the earthquake. Luckily no damage was reported at any of the shopping malls she was playing.
NATO failed to agree on taking the lead from the US in Libya. It takes these guys so long to get ready for action we’re gonna have to change their name to Hugh Heffner.
A German study says men who stare at breasts are healthier. That’s because women who’ve had their breasts stared at are more likely to make you walk all the way home.
Today is national Doctors day. In honor of the occasion at four o’clock everyone should drop their pants and turn their head and cough.
As Libyan rebels retreat, the US and UK are considering arming them. Yeah, cause that worked really well in Iran, Iraq, and Afghanistan. To be fair we have to give them weapons so when we go back in ten years they have something to fight us with.
Jersey Shore star Snooki plans to enter the ring in Wrestle Mania 27. She said she’s looking forward to finally being on top and putting someone else in strange positions.
I have to apologize for this next one, just couldn’t resist. Please give it your best vaudeville/Vlasic pickle guy voice…
Del Monte is recalling its cantaloupes. And believe me, if you saw those cantaloupes, you’d be recalling em too!
Tags: Abercrombie and Fitch, AFLAC, BYU, Charlie Sheen, Gilbert Gottfried, Japan, Jersey Shore, McDonalds, NASA, Subway
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News Chunks
Written by coryjarvis on January 30, 2011 – 6:12 pm -Jan.2011
Studies show the new Nintendo Wii 3-D will damage your eyes. So it turns out Mom was right, playing with your Wii will actually make you go blind.
Student protesters attacked a car carrying Prince Charles and Camilla. The Prince later made a public apology and promised to roll up the windows next time he played the Spice Girls.
The President of FIFA says gay fans shouldn’t have sex during the 2022 world cup in Qatar. When in doubt just follow the rules of the game and keep your hands off the ball.
A possible ice volcano was spied on a giant Saturn moon. The astronomer who discovered it named it Bob after her husband because every evening it spews out gas and ruins the atmosphere.
Tron, a movie about a man trapped in a video game, topped the box office this weekend. Spoiler alert – He gets out the video game the only way a man can, by getting a girlfriend.
-The CG was amazing, but a lot of viewers had trouble suspending their disbelief, I mean if it takes place in the internet, why does everyone have their clothes on?
Disney is being sued by a woman who claims Donald Duck groped her. Donald claims she knew what she was doing when she entered fantasy land.
Scientists say walking faster will extend your life span. Unless of course you’re blind, then it dramatically decreases your life span.
Protesters at the annual Carnival festivities in Brazil are angry over gay-only toilets. The city started it as part of their “don’t ask, don’t smell campaign.”
“Jersey Shore” star Snooki is writing a book. Critics say with her drinking she’d be just like Hemmingway if it weren’t for her writing.
President Obama told visiting Chinese Premier Hu Jintao, “Let us sell you stuff.”
-Obama then unrolled a blanket covered with copies of Chinese DVDs.
-The premier said he’d love to buy American products but he doesn’t buy anything made in China.
A stolen daughter found her Mom 23 years later. Her Mom said she never stopped thinking about her…except for the night she went home and left her alone in the hospital to be kidnapped.
An adopted woman searching for her biological family found out her sister is Oprah. It’s like loving bad movies and finding out your brother is Nicolas Cage.
The Jersey Shore plans to film its fifth season in Italy. To get a buzz started the show has been airing on Italian TV with its translated title, (heavy Italian accent) “Le Douche Bagas.”
According to a new study men would forgive their female partners infidelity, as long as it is with another woman. And as long as they spend an hour or so slowly going over exactly what happened. ”I’m so hurt by this, baby, I wont feel better until I know every detail.”
In order to save money the Girl Scouts said they’ll eliminate cookie flavors in some areas of the country. President Obama called for restraint so we don’t see a repeat of incidents that followed the thin mint cancellations in Tunisia and Egypt.
Glenn Beck was offended that super bowl players did not have their hands over their hearts during the national anthem. Ben Roethlisberger said he didn’t want to do anything before the game that reminded him of testifying.
German Police arrested a drunk owl. Maybe some jail time will teach him to give a hoot.
…and for my hentai friends in Japan:
The US urged Japan to upgrade its defense to meet the threat of China’s new stealth fighter. In response Japan’s military is currently working with its porn industry to create a pixelated missile.
Tags: Ben Roethlisberger, Cory Jarvis, Glenn Beck, hentai, infidelity, Japan, Jersey Shore, Nintendo Wii, Obama, Super Bowl, Tron
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