News Chunks
Written by coryjarvis on April 30, 2011 – 9:47 pm -Apr. 2011
Kim Kardashian made the celebrity Twitter fail list. She says Twitter is like the back of her jeans, she has trouble fitting everything in.
McDonald’s announced that it plans to hire 50,000 new employees. Applicants say if hired, they will use their pay to buy a newspaper so they can find a real job.
John Boehner was seen crying in the lead up to a possible government shutdown. Luckily his staff has developed a way to get the conservative leader to stop crying instantly – they ask him for a raise.
Bristol Palin, a 20 year old single mother, was paid $300,000 to be an abstinence spokesperson. That’s it, that’s the joke.
My apologies for this next one, couldn’t stop myself:
Two adult New Jersey school workers have been charged with improper acts with students while on a school trip to Germany. The girls said they wanted to see Hamburg but the counselors showed them their Hotdogs. Yaowzaaas!
A man in Walmart was stuck to a toilet seat after someone spread glue on it. Dude, if you sit bare-butt on a Walmart toilet seat, and all you get is some glue, you’re pretty lucky. Doctors can remove glue, but hepatitis is a little stickier.
Rebels have hijacked Gadhafi’s phone network. They said, “This will send a message to Gadhafi and AT&T that you may drop your bombs, but you can no longer drop our calls!”
Whoopi Goldberg says she was never in love with any of her three husbands. That’s funny because her three husbands said when they married her they were never sober.
A toddler was accidentally served alcohol at an Applebees. I’m no expert, but, parents, if your child’s drink is fluorescent green, lined with salt, and has a little tropical toothpick umbrella, he’s probably going to be a little cranky tomorrow.
After being arrested, Nicholas Cage was bailed out by Dog the Bounty Hunter. Dog said he would have done it for Donald Trump, Don King, or anyone else who goes to his hairstylist.
Kid Rock regrets the stage name he chose for himself now that he’s 40. It’s still better than what kids call him now, “Who?”
The Playstation Network may be down for two days. With plenty of time on their hands, I’m sure users will find something other than a dragon to beat.
A Florida woman found a 7 foot alligator in her bathroom. The good news is she didn’t have any trouble going to the bathroom, the bad news is she wasn’t in the bathroom.
President Obama released his birth certificate to the press. Tea Party officials say he may have proven he’s American, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s black.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to reprise his role in the fifth Terminator film. They don’t have a completed script yet, but there is one scene where he jumps a mechanical shark.
Tags: Applebees, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bristol Palin, Kid Rock, Nicolas Cage, Playstation, Walmart
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