News Chunks
Written by coryjarvis on May 30, 2011 – 9:58 pm -May 2011
Jersey Shore’s Snooki crashed into a police car in Florence, Italy. Luckily she had a date two nights before so she was already wearing a neck brace.
Sony’s Playstation network has gone down again. However, 99 percent of male users report being satisfied with the service, due to the fact that this is the first time anything has ever gone down on them.
Facebook users reported a viral video scam that claims to be footage of Osama bin Laden’s killing. Instead it takes them to a Middle Eastern Viagra site called Oschlonga bin Harden. Yaozaws!
Andy Dick was arrested for being drunk and disorderly in public. In other news the sun rose up again today. Seriously, aren’t we to the point where he should be arrested for being sober and orderly in public?
A professional European soccer team has signed an 18-month-old boy to a 10-year soccer contract. His father said he doesn’t care what his son wants to be when he grows up as long as he’s happy…being a soccer player.
President Obama says he will not be releasing death photos of Osama bin Laden. To satisfy people however, he will release pictures of that dead thing on Donald Trump’s head.
After 10 years of hunting for him, Osama bin Laden has been killed. Federal agents are now scrambling to replace their favorite pick-up line: Girl, your name must be Osama, cause I’ve been looking for you my whole life!
Facebook admitted hiring a PR firm to write bad stories about Google. I’m not saying Facebook is starting to look gangsterish, but I recently got a poke I couldn’t refuse.
Donald Trump has made it official that he will not be running for President. He went on to say, do not be fooled, in the coming months I will not be in the race, even if my hair looks like I’m still running.
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering an illegitimate child. His mistress said she heard all his catch phrases except for one, “I’ll be back.”
Starbucks is being sued by the US government for firing a dwarf. Sources say management hadn’t anticipated how many customers would stop coming because they were reluctant to order a “tall.”
-Starbucks claims the employee lied on her application by writing Happy when she was clearly Dopey.
-They also say she was not fired, but was returned as promised to Santa’s Workshop.
Lady Gaga says she was influenced by Bruce Springsteen. Bruce Springsteen responded by saying she and her videos influenced him to stop drinking.
Two Massachusetts towns are moving to ban the sale of “relaxation brownies” called Lazy Cakes which are laced with melatonin. Yeah, we have to get that melatonin out of there because the people who eat brownies are usually very energetic.
-They’re called Lazy Cakes! If everything were named that accurately I’d head down to the “I’m sad because I’m alone bar,” throw back a bottle of “hope to forget,” and look for “Ms. Daddy didn’t love me.”
After 16 hours of talking on her cell phone in a “quiet car,” police kicked a woman off an Amtrak train. When escorted out she screamed at the other passengers, “You try to hang up on the Vice President!”
These ones are for Grandpa:
Today is Star Wars Day. Most fans celebrate like any other day – they sit behind their computer and play with their light sabers.
A man in Indiana stole $700 worth of teeth whitener. It’s rumored he’s trying to sell it on the illegal plaque market.
Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Donald Trump, Lady Gaga, Lazy Cakes, Obama, Osama bin Laden, Snooki
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